Happy new Year

I haven't logged on here after typing my last post. I've been in denial that I wrote it, I'm ashamed that I wrote it. It's destructive, but ironically a part of my healing and being. This is me. This is my reality.

Like most people, I'm claiming that 2010 will be better. I'm going to get better, I'm going to feel better, and in twelve months from now I will hopefully have undergone some major renovations.

Happy New Year.

Take me to the limit. I dare you.

I want to be overwhelmed. I want to double major and work full time and barely eat three meals a day. I want to go to the limit, to feel like I'm doing everything I can. Push me.
Maybe she'll think something of me if I do. Or maybe I'll simply feel better knowing I'm doing everything I can. O God, please let 2010 change everything in my life. I can't stand life the way it is. How can I change everything? I feel nauseous when I think about getting out of bed in the morning and reliving the mistakes I've made for years, simply because I don't know how to change. Make me take a plunge. Let's do something here.

O please, let one year from today yield an unrecognizable difference in my life. I want to shatter so I can put together the pieces in a new way.

"I'm Moving On" by Rascal Flatts

In the Rascal Flatts song "I'm Moving On", they say, "I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong."
I couldn't have said it better myself. But I'm not moving on, not just yet. Not now. I think someone will have to die before I move on. And the clock ticks. And indeed, will forgiveness find me down the road?

Coming up to breathe. Don't let me go. If I can't change the past (and how much it hurts), then let's do something radical today. Whether it too will end in regret or satisfaction will not be known until after it's over. Just don't let me go.

One Year

I don't know. Between You and me, I think life's a gamble in a way. You know it all, yet we must guess, making choices in hopes that Your will follows. Rich Mullins was right -- truly You play hard to get. You play hard to get while I sit here trying to find the crumbs of my daily bread, trying to live off of crumbs while you exist in the back room. Always hard to get.

The back room? Or right here in front of me?

My life, my choices? Your possession, Your control? Where am I going? You know I'm going to roll the dice regardless. I'm getting ready to roll the dice -- 2010 is going to be the year. Let's place a bet.

A bet with the Keeper of my soul...long ago I would never have expected us to talk so closely.
Here's my stake: one year from now and my life will be better than it is today.

I feel confident of Your response (though who can understand You?): You can flip the world upside down in a year from now. She could have destroyed me in a year from now (but only if I am weak enough). I could have attended plenty of funerals in a year from now -- including my own. My choices, the choices I am making now, I feel are a gamble, a hope that they align with what You want. You already know that.

One year. Things will be different.

Today

Trying not to think about the past. Trying not to worry about the present. Knowing that in the future, it will all work out somehow.

Please make it all go away. And give me the boldness to accept whatever manner You choose.
I am reaching the climax of entrapment; I feel like I cannot be any more stuck than I am now. And even if I was able to improve my current life...O Lord, it would take so long to get anywhere. But I must start somewhere.
People. You have given me so few, and yet they unknowingly control so much of me. I want to shatter some relationships just so I can have a new start. And indeed I do see one relationship on the brink of extinction; we won't be able to hold on for much longer. I think, Could this be our last Christmas together? Our last official year together? Where will I be in a year from now, and will I have been able to pick up any of these shattered pieces withing damaging myself more?
O Lord, have mercy on them when I say I seek change. Change me, not them. Just help me to get away from them without causing anymore hurt. Can't they see that it's best if we detach? And where will I go afterward? There's a great plan somewhere in my future, I really can't doubt that. I just don't have Your vision, so can You blame me for the questions?


I wrote that letter to You a long time ago. Even back then, I wanted to scream and make it all go away. Some things in our relationship haven't changed much, have they? I'm so sorry if, today, I'm not the person You wanted me to be. Trust me, I'm not the person I aspired to become either. Please give me the boldness to change. In a year from now, I want to be a completely different person -- someone You would admire more. Someone I could live with more peacefully. Someone who wanted to take risks. And did.


Some people might not understand, but I see these portraits as a sort of legacy that maybe (Lord willing) my kids can look at someday. There's someone in my family who probably hasn't had a half dozen pictures of them taken in the last two decades. She despises such portraits. At first I felt similarly -- please leave me out of the picture. But then I thought it was rather sad that I can never look back over the years with a photograph to remember them. And if I ever have kids, I want them to be able to see me as I was at their age, to see that I went through similar strengths and struggles as they will likely go through. And yes, I hope they all become photographers.

Therapy Time

This life needs so many improvements, I wish I could start today. But when can I start?! Lord, You know there are so many things -- big and small -- that I wish I could change. I wish I felt better (and wish I had insurance so I could get better!). I wish I could find a job today. Wish I could help my family more. And oh, I wish she could see me as more than she already does. My emotional battle with her is ridiculous. And she doesn't even know it.
The bitterness I have fostered -- I have been so angry at everything she was, at the decisions she made. I want to just open up and be sincere and tell her what I think of her life and how she acts around others. I want to tell these "others" just who she really is: If you knew who she really is, you probably wouldn't even want to know her! But then again, if you knew me you certainly wouldn't want to know me, either.

Only myself and God truly know just how wretched I am. I think about heaven, I think about hell, I think maybe it will all be left up to a coin toss in the end. I don't know what I'd do if I were Him.
I am so thankful for the talents He has given me; though they may be few, they are ever mighty in my life. Please heal me -- both physically and spiritually. Especially the latter. God, it will only come through a change of heart. It's like there's a spark in me that's trying to shine, but the fog and murk are just so thick. I know You're going to shake my world so severely, and so soon. Too soon. I can seriously see the dark clouds on the horizon. This is all going to be a part of my testimony someday. And You can see it too.

Don't tell them...

These are things I have never told anyone, things I have never written for fear of being seen. I don't even keep a journal because I'm so afraid someone in my family will see. I don't trust people. Never have, and I don't know if I ever can. Please understand.

Have you ever wanted to hurt? Scary, I know. But when I'm with other people--specifically family--I feel like I need to hurt. Physically. The frustration of being with others becomes so emotionally intense, I feel that it needs to become physical. I don't know how people do it.

There is one specific person...when I'm with them, I want the day to end. I want the hurt to end. I torture myself because of my feelings, because of past memories about this person. I have allowed this person to control so much of my life without them even knowing it. I feel nauseous, I feel like I'm spinning. God, please let the day end. Or give us ALL a new beginning.

Another thing I don't tell many people: Paranoia. So many times I have lived in paranoia. Too often. I have to acutely listen for the sound of a certain person's footsteps, just to prepare myself for how I must react when they enter. And when I'm in the shower, there have been times in the past when I had to suddenly stop the water because I thought I could hear screams. And when I shut off the water, the screams disappeared. "Oh," I'd think, "It's all in my head..." But now I don't find that a comforting thought.

I cried today. And I'll cry again soon...ha! I always do.

Have you ever had so much regret? Sometimes I lie in bed and just think about how much regret controls me. I feel that no matter how much I'm assured that God's grace has covered me and that I need to move forward, I still carry this weight. I'm don't really know if it will ever leave me in this life. I don't even want to think about it.

Just to cheer things up, here's an egg:

Inimitable Relationship

I think I've have to go beyond words to express myself to You now. I'm not sure how to communicate, and I have no idea where to go. Sinfully drunk, staggering through the straight and narrow path. I have so much to do, with a limited amount of breaths to do it in. And my wicked nature absorbs so much of this time. How to redeem myself in Your eyes?

I am scared. I won't lie to You. I can't imagine what will be said -- and to think it never had to be this way. I've done it all to myself.


Passion. Anger. Devastation. Fury. Disgrace. Feeling. Gasping for air. Healing. Hoping. Renewing.


Did You know? Did You know this could/would happen to us? Your beauty is everywhere. Will Your healing follow? Will it follow someone who willfully fights against You everyday? Could I be the very thing that separates what I learned was an inseparable love?
I hope I can look back someday and remember these years with a shudder, thankful that they were a thing of the past. But this chapter never seems to close. O, fear the Lord! Fear Him and repent! For one can never comprehend how awesome and mighty and just He is and will be. O, fear the Lord and repent...

More Thoughts

I have a chunk of time in between classes. I sit in the library now, waiting for history to start, just thinking. Two days ago, I took a walk across one of the grassy fields, completed shaded by a variety of trees. Every now and then, you can come across a plaque in the ground at the base of a tree that memorializes someone who is dead and gone. I strolled along and glanced at one that made me stop. It read:
"Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
and I will forgive thy great big joke on me."

Wow. I stopped and stared, thinking hard. The dates one the plaque declared that the man had died at the age of twenty. Someone who knew him (family, I presume) had ordered that plaque to stand there. And there was such bitterness in those words...I wonder, was the young man a bitter individual toward God, or was his family bitter at God for taking his life at such an early age? What if God ordains that someone should only live for twenty years? What if it's all a part of His plan, as it almost certainly is? Lord, may I find You in times of tragedy.

I know there's no real significance to any of this -- it just made me think. I walked on till I saw the next plaque that claimed that silent stars remained over the dead. It made me smile to think of how two faded lives could seemingly be so different.

where to turn

I chose to use Blogger primarily because I see it as a more private way of publishing my thoughts. I knew that even if no one read it, it wouldn't matter, because my writings were meant for myself and my own healing. The occasional reader may already know that I have a blog on Xanga, but I choose not to publish anything personal on there because of certain readers and the comments they have given me.
So onward with my latest step in debating and healing...

I am so saturated with a myriad of emotions right now, I wish I was alone. I wish I could run my nails down the wall so hard, lean my head against the cold wall and think.
People. People are the cause for so much anguish and sorrow in my life. People, and my sin. I feel like I can't overcome myself, feel like I can't overthrow the enemy I have become. Sometimes it seems like everything is spinning, and I almost couldn't care where it all stops.

When I think of the people in my life and all the fear I have for them, I solemnly realize that someone has to die to make all of this go away. Either these individuals fade away first (Lord, please, no) and that chapter finally closes, leaving the remainder of my life to contemplations of "What if" and "Maybe." OR I shall be first (Lord, help me), leaving THEM to consider eternity, leaving them to wonder where I really went. If I go first, I will no longer need to fear for them as I do now, and I wouldn't have to spend a lifetime mourning for them. It's too much to think about; I've already lost track.

I can't believe this LIFE has happened to me -- I've said it before and I still marvel. I know my purpose was meant to be more than what I've made it. How will it all end? O, God, please be merciful to me. Please have mercy despite myself. I don't know what's going to happen to us, but I am reminded of 2 Chronicles 20:12. Please don't let others hurt because of me; truly they are worth so much more, if they could only see.

Everything spins.

Class horrors!

I arrived for a geography class yesterday with the sole purpose of taking it as an elective. I am so glad it is not an actual requirement.

As far as I can see, only one man teaches the class. As soon as I stepped into the room last night, I had a strange feeling about it. I really can't explain why -- I just had a bad feeling about it. I sat in the front row, put my bag on the floor, and the teacher passed me two articles: one glance informed me that scientists were still trying to figure out how many billions of years the world had been around. Of course, I cringed but sat through the lecture as it started. The people in the classroom seemed very cold toward each other, and I soon understood why: the teacher had a negative attitude about him, and it brought the whole class down. It was completely incomprehensible.
Finally, after about 40 minutes, he tells us to try to envision a large chunk of land, almost like looking at a map. He tells us to try to see it as God might see it, then adds, "Whoever she may be."

Done.

I grabbed my bags and pushed for the door, with the back row watching me and stifling laughs as I left.

Lessons in Economics

I recently started studying economics at the University, and some things in that class have made me stop and wonder. First of all, I must stress that the professor is a brilliant man who clearly loves what he does and does it well. He has such a passion and energy for teaching others, and the students really enjoy listening to him. The class has about 200 students, so many minds gather twice a week to hear what he has to say. It's an enjoyable class.

However, I do not agree with everything he has to say. His beliefs are solid, his convictions are true, but I am not so persuaded. For example, he claims that there is never, ever a need for anything -- only a want, a desire to have it. In fact, we are not allowed to use the word "need" in class; if we do, pretty much everyone in the building yells something about the impending punishment the student will receive. Then it gets quiet, and the professor tells everyone sitting next to the student to clear the way (all students begin to duck) and he throws his marker at the student who said that terrible word. Don't say it again. Lesson learned, and class resumes.

In a way, I see his point. Throughout my life, I lived by the phrase, "Know your wants from your needs." However, I thought, "Don't I need the grace of God just as much as I want it? Don't I need the love of God in my life just as much as I want it?"Furthermore, the professor claims that there is a substitute for everything. Everything. No exceptions. According to this theory, you can shun your "need" for love if you have to live in seclusion, you can choose death instead of food, and you can substitute shelter for homelessness (just to name a few examples). "But," I say, "what substitute would you use for the grace of God? What could ever replace His love and mercy?" I suppose some might answer that hell is a substitute for the heaven we would seek under the grace of God. But I say that there is no other substitute that can wash away my scarlet sins but the blood of Jesus.

Just some thoughts.

Debating and Healing

I know He's telling me, Keep breathing.

I have so many questions about the future, so many fears and worries about the present, a lot of hurt from the past...in other words, what I feel is pretty average to mankind. And I feel so overwhelmed; it's like I want to ask God for answers, and at the same time I'm so afraid to know them. I'm so afraid that I will be the last person standing when it comes to my family, so afraid that I will be all that is left and that I will have no one to look forward to when this world is said and done. O Lord, please have mercy! You have no idea how I would plead with You for mercy for the people in my life...

This is hard for me to say, and please understand that I write this as a sort of therapy for myself.
Don't take my writing as a form of self-pity, but as a form of debating and healing. But when all is said and done, I will blame myself for their deaths. I know it. I feel the grief already. O Lord, I don't want to look back and think, "If only." O Lord, don't let me have any regrets when it comes to the people in my life. I want to think back and know that I gave it my all, that if anyone perished, then it must somehow have been Your will. But does not God desire that none should perish, but that all should be saved? Forgive me, Lord, if I do not understand Your ways.

Up to this point, I cannot say that I gave it my all. I cannot say that I have been a good witness of Your love and forgiveness. I am selfish, too often impatient, and ashamedly (and frequently) intimidated at the thought of preaching Your truths to the people I must face everyday. Please don't call me a failure at the finish line; I'm so scared You will...

One of the most powerful things the Lord ever revealed to me was about this very subject. Long story short: I was being counseled by a friend as I grieved and sobbed years ago about how so many people I loved were perishing. They spoke very quietly the entire time, they earnestly listened to everything I was saying, and as I sat in that chair with tears everywhere, that person leaned forward and said, "Kayla. You can't save them."

It was one of the biggest eye-openers of my life. It floored me. You can't save them.

It's not that I didn't know that Jesus Christ is the only way to eternal salvation, or that I was powerless to save beloved souls. It's that, somewhere under the lamenting and the grief, I had forgotten. I felt that my God-given mission in this world was to reach out to these people and tell them of their need for repentance and reconciliation, and if they refused to see that need, then I had failed. And I cannot lie here -- I still feel that way. Yes, healing took place, and I felt liberated at the truth that salvation must be determined by God and not myself. But today, when I see what a witness I am to those around me, I still grieve. I'm reminded of my own worst enemy.

He tells me, Keep breathing. If a long journey must begin with a single step, then Lord please help me to move. Help me to change. "We have no power against this great multitude that is coming against us, nor do we know what to do, but our eyes [are] upon You." (2 Chronicles 20:12 NKJV). Give me strength, please, for the future, and hold on to the ones I love.

Traces of Him

A monsoon overtook our side of town this evening. As the streets began to flood with rain, I stood in their midst, barefooted, water rushing past me, my clothes soaking, myself praising God.

Hold On

I'm not sure anyone out there would understand. I'm not sure anyone has put themselves through this before. I'm not sure if anyone has fought with God like I have.

And I am the sole cause of our contentions. You have no idea how that makes me feel. Knowing that I was made to give Him glory and to live expressly for Him, yet at the same time being the reason for the furor in our relationship. Did You know that it would be this way, even before you created me? Did you know just how terribly I would struggle? Why, then, did you create this life at all? Truly, He must be a God of love.

I feel like, years ago, I knew where I was going and felt secure in our relationship. But time moved, and it has been years since I felt that way. I know that any distance between us exists only when I move, not He. I have lost plenty of sleep as I lie there with thoughts of Him racing through my head. I have inflicted many a miserable day upon myself, knowing that I am the reason for all this unrest. And it doesn't have to be this way...

I am my own worst enemy. I wonder, did Judas feel this way as the final days of his life were slipping through the hourglass? Did he realize that any unrest he had between God and himself was all due to his mistakes?

I pray for restoration, a sinner making promises to try to live sinlessly. It doesn't happen. I mess up. During temptation, I fall, rather than calling upon Him for strength. And my prayers for forgiveness and restoration begin to sound all too familiar...so much so, that I begin to wonder if...

I begin to see now. Please understand that I know there is more to life than our struggles. I know there are amazing things to come. Some things will be beyond words, beyond description. Every conceivable emotion will snowball as our lives carry on, so that when we reach the end, nearly everyone will be able to say that they have truly tasted life.

God, You are so amazing, so perfect...please don't be far from this life despite its imperfections. I have accepted that I will struggle til the end, and as long as Your grace is sufficient and Your mercies new every morning, I'll be willing to go onward. Every day here, all I can think of is the finish line, and it makes me wonder. Please, just let me know that everything will be alright there, and I will have resolve enough for each day of life, no matter what it brings.
Love (please...)
~Kayla

P.S. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone anymore

This Incredible Life

Last night, I thought about what the future may hold. All the joys and struggles and hurt and triumphs that await me there. It is sincerely too overwhelming for me to understand.

Sitting in church last night, listening to the music, I could not slow my contemplations. I told God, "I can't believe this has happened to me -- LIFE. I can't believe this life has happened to me."

What will happen to my family? I predict so much turmoil and further struggles, all attaching themselves without my consent to this LIFE. Will I have a future family? The thought of being accountable for -- and striving to give my limited guidance to -- my future children is overwhelming. Will I ever be who God wants me to be? That thought alone can make me shudder. I was not created for myself, but for a greater Someone who I am to live for. When I fail Him, it hurts everywhere. It hurts everywhere.

When I think of the talents and blessings He has given me, I cannot help but have such joy for the amazing things that may happen in my LIFE. I will never take for granted my ability to hear music or the ability to see the sights around me. I am thankful for the mindset He has given me, though no one in my family seems to be able to relate to it or understand it. I am forever thankful for the sense of wonder He has given me, that I may look at small details in this LIFE and see the tiny traces of beauty He placed in them, while others walk by blindly.

It's the tip of the iceberg, and everyday is just another step onward throughout this journey He has ordained for me to carry on...another step forward into this incredible LIFE.

Recent Happenings

You would not believe how many amazing, talented artists I find on Red Bubble, constantly. Every day. I look at their work and think, That's crazy! If you want to see what I mean, just browse my "Favorites" on my Red Bubble page. I have such admiration for these people.

Anyway, the images here are a few of my latest additions to the shop. Know that all my photos have a personal connection to me. As is typical in art, the piece might not make sense to the viewer, but the artist understands it all too well. While I might not exactly be an artist, I feel that the same principles apply to my work. Photography is my primary medium for self-expression and is a faithful tool to reflect how I felt when the shutter caught that particular moment.


This one is personal to me. It depicts a struggle I've been having for a long time, and how I just can't seem to overcome my weaknesses. I repent of my recklessness and try to wipe my knife clean, but it always gets bloodied again with my mistakes and sins. It's a vicious cycle I am trying to break free of...


There will be more stuff to come soon -- I feel like I need to pick up my camera and create today.

My shop...