Don't tell them...

These are things I have never told anyone, things I have never written for fear of being seen. I don't even keep a journal because I'm so afraid someone in my family will see. I don't trust people. Never have, and I don't know if I ever can. Please understand.

Have you ever wanted to hurt? Scary, I know. But when I'm with other people--specifically family--I feel like I need to hurt. Physically. The frustration of being with others becomes so emotionally intense, I feel that it needs to become physical. I don't know how people do it.

There is one specific person...when I'm with them, I want the day to end. I want the hurt to end. I torture myself because of my feelings, because of past memories about this person. I have allowed this person to control so much of my life without them even knowing it. I feel nauseous, I feel like I'm spinning. God, please let the day end. Or give us ALL a new beginning.

Another thing I don't tell many people: Paranoia. So many times I have lived in paranoia. Too often. I have to acutely listen for the sound of a certain person's footsteps, just to prepare myself for how I must react when they enter. And when I'm in the shower, there have been times in the past when I had to suddenly stop the water because I thought I could hear screams. And when I shut off the water, the screams disappeared. "Oh," I'd think, "It's all in my head..." But now I don't find that a comforting thought.

I cried today. And I'll cry again soon...ha! I always do.

Have you ever had so much regret? Sometimes I lie in bed and just think about how much regret controls me. I feel that no matter how much I'm assured that God's grace has covered me and that I need to move forward, I still carry this weight. I'm don't really know if it will ever leave me in this life. I don't even want to think about it.

Just to cheer things up, here's an egg: