where to turn

I chose to use Blogger primarily because I see it as a more private way of publishing my thoughts. I knew that even if no one read it, it wouldn't matter, because my writings were meant for myself and my own healing. The occasional reader may already know that I have a blog on Xanga, but I choose not to publish anything personal on there because of certain readers and the comments they have given me.
So onward with my latest step in debating and healing...

I am so saturated with a myriad of emotions right now, I wish I was alone. I wish I could run my nails down the wall so hard, lean my head against the cold wall and think.
People. People are the cause for so much anguish and sorrow in my life. People, and my sin. I feel like I can't overcome myself, feel like I can't overthrow the enemy I have become. Sometimes it seems like everything is spinning, and I almost couldn't care where it all stops.

When I think of the people in my life and all the fear I have for them, I solemnly realize that someone has to die to make all of this go away. Either these individuals fade away first (Lord, please, no) and that chapter finally closes, leaving the remainder of my life to contemplations of "What if" and "Maybe." OR I shall be first (Lord, help me), leaving THEM to consider eternity, leaving them to wonder where I really went. If I go first, I will no longer need to fear for them as I do now, and I wouldn't have to spend a lifetime mourning for them. It's too much to think about; I've already lost track.

I can't believe this LIFE has happened to me -- I've said it before and I still marvel. I know my purpose was meant to be more than what I've made it. How will it all end? O, God, please be merciful to me. Please have mercy despite myself. I don't know what's going to happen to us, but I am reminded of 2 Chronicles 20:12. Please don't let others hurt because of me; truly they are worth so much more, if they could only see.

Everything spins.