Hold On

I'm not sure anyone out there would understand. I'm not sure anyone has put themselves through this before. I'm not sure if anyone has fought with God like I have.

And I am the sole cause of our contentions. You have no idea how that makes me feel. Knowing that I was made to give Him glory and to live expressly for Him, yet at the same time being the reason for the furor in our relationship. Did You know that it would be this way, even before you created me? Did you know just how terribly I would struggle? Why, then, did you create this life at all? Truly, He must be a God of love.

I feel like, years ago, I knew where I was going and felt secure in our relationship. But time moved, and it has been years since I felt that way. I know that any distance between us exists only when I move, not He. I have lost plenty of sleep as I lie there with thoughts of Him racing through my head. I have inflicted many a miserable day upon myself, knowing that I am the reason for all this unrest. And it doesn't have to be this way...

I am my own worst enemy. I wonder, did Judas feel this way as the final days of his life were slipping through the hourglass? Did he realize that any unrest he had between God and himself was all due to his mistakes?

I pray for restoration, a sinner making promises to try to live sinlessly. It doesn't happen. I mess up. During temptation, I fall, rather than calling upon Him for strength. And my prayers for forgiveness and restoration begin to sound all too familiar...so much so, that I begin to wonder if...

I begin to see now. Please understand that I know there is more to life than our struggles. I know there are amazing things to come. Some things will be beyond words, beyond description. Every conceivable emotion will snowball as our lives carry on, so that when we reach the end, nearly everyone will be able to say that they have truly tasted life.

God, You are so amazing, so perfect...please don't be far from this life despite its imperfections. I have accepted that I will struggle til the end, and as long as Your grace is sufficient and Your mercies new every morning, I'll be willing to go onward. Every day here, all I can think of is the finish line, and it makes me wonder. Please, just let me know that everything will be alright there, and I will have resolve enough for each day of life, no matter what it brings.
Love (please...)
~Kayla

P.S. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone anymore