Don't tell them...

These are things I have never told anyone, things I have never written for fear of being seen. I don't even keep a journal because I'm so afraid someone in my family will see. I don't trust people. Never have, and I don't know if I ever can. Please understand.

Have you ever wanted to hurt? Scary, I know. But when I'm with other people--specifically family--I feel like I need to hurt. Physically. The frustration of being with others becomes so emotionally intense, I feel that it needs to become physical. I don't know how people do it.

There is one specific person...when I'm with them, I want the day to end. I want the hurt to end. I torture myself because of my feelings, because of past memories about this person. I have allowed this person to control so much of my life without them even knowing it. I feel nauseous, I feel like I'm spinning. God, please let the day end. Or give us ALL a new beginning.

Another thing I don't tell many people: Paranoia. So many times I have lived in paranoia. Too often. I have to acutely listen for the sound of a certain person's footsteps, just to prepare myself for how I must react when they enter. And when I'm in the shower, there have been times in the past when I had to suddenly stop the water because I thought I could hear screams. And when I shut off the water, the screams disappeared. "Oh," I'd think, "It's all in my head..." But now I don't find that a comforting thought.

I cried today. And I'll cry again soon...ha! I always do.

Have you ever had so much regret? Sometimes I lie in bed and just think about how much regret controls me. I feel that no matter how much I'm assured that God's grace has covered me and that I need to move forward, I still carry this weight. I'm don't really know if it will ever leave me in this life. I don't even want to think about it.

Just to cheer things up, here's an egg:

Inimitable Relationship

I think I've have to go beyond words to express myself to You now. I'm not sure how to communicate, and I have no idea where to go. Sinfully drunk, staggering through the straight and narrow path. I have so much to do, with a limited amount of breaths to do it in. And my wicked nature absorbs so much of this time. How to redeem myself in Your eyes?

I am scared. I won't lie to You. I can't imagine what will be said -- and to think it never had to be this way. I've done it all to myself.


Passion. Anger. Devastation. Fury. Disgrace. Feeling. Gasping for air. Healing. Hoping. Renewing.


Did You know? Did You know this could/would happen to us? Your beauty is everywhere. Will Your healing follow? Will it follow someone who willfully fights against You everyday? Could I be the very thing that separates what I learned was an inseparable love?
I hope I can look back someday and remember these years with a shudder, thankful that they were a thing of the past. But this chapter never seems to close. O, fear the Lord! Fear Him and repent! For one can never comprehend how awesome and mighty and just He is and will be. O, fear the Lord and repent...

More Thoughts

I have a chunk of time in between classes. I sit in the library now, waiting for history to start, just thinking. Two days ago, I took a walk across one of the grassy fields, completed shaded by a variety of trees. Every now and then, you can come across a plaque in the ground at the base of a tree that memorializes someone who is dead and gone. I strolled along and glanced at one that made me stop. It read:
"Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
and I will forgive thy great big joke on me."

Wow. I stopped and stared, thinking hard. The dates one the plaque declared that the man had died at the age of twenty. Someone who knew him (family, I presume) had ordered that plaque to stand there. And there was such bitterness in those words...I wonder, was the young man a bitter individual toward God, or was his family bitter at God for taking his life at such an early age? What if God ordains that someone should only live for twenty years? What if it's all a part of His plan, as it almost certainly is? Lord, may I find You in times of tragedy.

I know there's no real significance to any of this -- it just made me think. I walked on till I saw the next plaque that claimed that silent stars remained over the dead. It made me smile to think of how two faded lives could seemingly be so different.

where to turn

I chose to use Blogger primarily because I see it as a more private way of publishing my thoughts. I knew that even if no one read it, it wouldn't matter, because my writings were meant for myself and my own healing. The occasional reader may already know that I have a blog on Xanga, but I choose not to publish anything personal on there because of certain readers and the comments they have given me.
So onward with my latest step in debating and healing...

I am so saturated with a myriad of emotions right now, I wish I was alone. I wish I could run my nails down the wall so hard, lean my head against the cold wall and think.
People. People are the cause for so much anguish and sorrow in my life. People, and my sin. I feel like I can't overcome myself, feel like I can't overthrow the enemy I have become. Sometimes it seems like everything is spinning, and I almost couldn't care where it all stops.

When I think of the people in my life and all the fear I have for them, I solemnly realize that someone has to die to make all of this go away. Either these individuals fade away first (Lord, please, no) and that chapter finally closes, leaving the remainder of my life to contemplations of "What if" and "Maybe." OR I shall be first (Lord, help me), leaving THEM to consider eternity, leaving them to wonder where I really went. If I go first, I will no longer need to fear for them as I do now, and I wouldn't have to spend a lifetime mourning for them. It's too much to think about; I've already lost track.

I can't believe this LIFE has happened to me -- I've said it before and I still marvel. I know my purpose was meant to be more than what I've made it. How will it all end? O, God, please be merciful to me. Please have mercy despite myself. I don't know what's going to happen to us, but I am reminded of 2 Chronicles 20:12. Please don't let others hurt because of me; truly they are worth so much more, if they could only see.

Everything spins.

Class horrors!

I arrived for a geography class yesterday with the sole purpose of taking it as an elective. I am so glad it is not an actual requirement.

As far as I can see, only one man teaches the class. As soon as I stepped into the room last night, I had a strange feeling about it. I really can't explain why -- I just had a bad feeling about it. I sat in the front row, put my bag on the floor, and the teacher passed me two articles: one glance informed me that scientists were still trying to figure out how many billions of years the world had been around. Of course, I cringed but sat through the lecture as it started. The people in the classroom seemed very cold toward each other, and I soon understood why: the teacher had a negative attitude about him, and it brought the whole class down. It was completely incomprehensible.
Finally, after about 40 minutes, he tells us to try to envision a large chunk of land, almost like looking at a map. He tells us to try to see it as God might see it, then adds, "Whoever she may be."

Done.

I grabbed my bags and pushed for the door, with the back row watching me and stifling laughs as I left.