Catching up

Ugh. A glimpse over the writings of the past gives me so many unpleasant memories with just a few sentences. But looking at my last post 5 months ago, I was right: I can't help but be scared of it all. It's everywhere. I can feel the weight of it in every breath. It's my burden, my sin, my angry struggles against this self-driven enemy...

It's the reason I feel like I can't breath sometimes, the reason I spent my younger years feeling so incredibly invisible. It's this world and all You have packed into it, both the fantastic and the beyond dreadful. It's You pushing me harder, Your 'love' that pushes me to the ground; the love that is never spoken of in any church, because"that simply couldn't be what Christianity is!" It's Your stillness, Your absolute painful silence that makes me want to do crazy things. It's our fight, our past...

It's me wondering and You knowing. It's the constant question, "Why...?"

It's those ice cold rainy days where I ask You, "Why can't this last forever?"

It's me saying, "Stop."

It's You saying, "Go."

It's when You almost seem to ask me where to go from here. No.

It's a fear of the unknown.

It's at night when I used to sit on that swing in the dark and and think, "What would I ever do if something like x would ever happen to me?" And then it happened.

It's an amazing mixture of chaos, doubt, anger, grief, bitterness, acceptance, and a "replay" button just for the fun of it.


It's me.

Playing games

I'm scared of it all, sometimes.

Where will we go? Will You come? I know you'll be there to witness my finish line. You have no idea how I want to grab onto You right now, just grab so tightly and not care. Make everything -- all these people -- an issue of little consequence. All these people represent to me all the hurt I have ever sustained. I'm scared of it all sometimes. Scared to open my bedroom door. O, HOW I DON'T WANT TO BE CONTROLLED ANYMORE. You have NO IDEA how I regret the people I am with. No idea how I wish they understood, wish they would see me as someone who might have potential, instead of this empty shell that was seemingly destined to need constant words of caution thrown at her.
I'm so scared. There is no one in my life that I could speak to about this -- that's one of the reasons this is so scary. I feel so dependent, and I'm so sorry for all the failures that have made me this way. There is a yearning within me for something that can never be, because the time that I needed it most has already come and gone.
Someone shoves my door open, and I want to burst into tears, that's how scared I am. Why have You chosen this? It's almost like You destined this life to be solitary, like you wanted me to find no one alike. Like You wanted me to figure out this deception-filled game called Life all by myself. This fear is so real, I feel certain of only a handful of things. O please, don't let go.

At last I can see this

It's all good. I am at peace at this moment. It always works out in the end. Christianity is a ride that wears me down to the bone, but I wouldn't trade in the experiences I've had in this life for anything. It's all good. The years are passing by, and it's okay. Everyone is different, and it's okay. And yes, You'll be waiting for me. You really do say it's time to move on, even when nothing physically changes in our lives. I've learned that it's not supposed to -- it's all good, and it all works out, even our minor struggles.

I have been privileged never to have had physical troubles. You've given me a solid home and a family that cares. This is a blessed life. If ever I encounter a struggle, it's with my spiritual self, and that is exclusively what I have been chronicling in this online journal -- my spiritual battles, and nothing else. If/when I reference a person, it's a reference to the spiritual state in which I see them. It's because the majority of people I know are perishing, and I am too often angry at their lack of awareness to speak honorably. This is my fault. This is my sin. This blog has exclusively been a journal that chronicles my faults, NOT ANYONE ELSE'S. If I have spoken of the faults of others here, then this is my apology for being wrong. The only aim of this blog is to keep a journal of myself, and I publish it publicly to force myself to be accountable on the odd chance that someone finds and reads it. In fact, I know I have referenced people here who were acquaintances in my life, and it's my wrong, my sin, and my anger that decided to do so. I don't think the acquaintances I've mentioned here meant me any harm, but I have made bitter references to them when I felt they hurt me or let me down. This is all vanity, all selfishness. And I truly seek Your forgiveness (and the forgiveness of readers) for everything that was done in bitterness.

For once, there is peace. The two of us can move on. There's so much around us, and it's all good. Whether I still have a legacy is something I cannot think about. The real friends I have in my life are some of the most awesome people I've ever encountered, and I'm so thankful they don't leave me despite myself. I deserve nothing, and am physically blessed beyond measure.

This keeps running through my head. It's just one of those things You use in life :-) It worked out beautifully, didn't it?

Fear

My existence, both in this life and the next, depends on the relationship we have here and now. And I'm quickly losing touch.

Appalled? Angered? Ashamed?
I can't even feel anymore. Do you understand?! I CAN'T EVEN FEEL ANYMORE!

NOW who's angered, appalled, ashamed? Don't think I don't taste anything, even if it only be the tip of the iceberg.

I want to resurface after all these years and scream and know You ACTUALLY hear me. Do you hear me? Yeah, I know You see it all. Aren't we all well aware of it -- even the atheists? Yes, I can imagine how You feel. No, I don't pretend to know how You feel.

This is a pain unlike anything I've ever known. No. It's fear.

I've never known anything like this, have nothing I can equate it to. I've never known fear like this. The fear that your soul is balancing on two possible eternal outcomes. Just balancing there, waiting for You to push me one way or the other. I'm scared, and I've done all of this to myself.
I'm going to die, and You tauntingly know the year, month, day, hour, minute, second, breath. It's like slowly drowning in a glass tank, pressed against the glass in search of You on the other side, while precious seconds are quickly ticking by. Well, I'm searching now! Where are You? Will You meet me now, or am I too much of a disgrace for You to accept.

There's that verse in James that I'm holding on to now. "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you." It implies that I'm the one who moves. Right? I'm the one who chooses to draw close. And I assume (if that's safe) that I'm the one who moves further away as well. So you are stationary, unmoving, standing there all along just waiting to see what direction I take.
All this time I've taken the wrong, wrong direction. But if I attempt to come to You now, will You still be right where I assume You've always been, waiting for me?

I'm coming right now seeking forgiveness, renewal, and (yet once again) a very clean start. A completely new start. If I pick up Your Word, will You despise me for it? Is my heart not sincere enough? I miss the days we used to talk about the future together. O Lord, what have I done?
I want You now. That is sincere. I need You now -- that is truth.
I need You. Please meet me here.

Thank you, Trinity

It means so much to me,
the sight of deep gray skies;
the sound of storms coming close,
rain's hellos, sun's goodbyes.

I escape this place to free myself
of concrete jungle walls,
to run, to gasp, to feel the air
as nature's teardrops fall.

But tears of sorrow? Tears of grief?
Though we may never know,
I'll wager it is tears of joy
that from this dark sky flow.

With eyes at the skies, I wonder how
they could be blind at times like now;
how can they tell me 'What a shame
that rain and sorrow are the same'?

I may never know, nor ever see
why they must think so carelessly;
for days like this are my desire,
to chase raindrops as they transpire...

Who will ever know if this be my last
time to feel the breeze fly past
to run, to gasp, to chase the storm
to feel nature's consuming joy take form...?

Happy new Year

I haven't logged on here after typing my last post. I've been in denial that I wrote it, I'm ashamed that I wrote it. It's destructive, but ironically a part of my healing and being. This is me. This is my reality.

Like most people, I'm claiming that 2010 will be better. I'm going to get better, I'm going to feel better, and in twelve months from now I will hopefully have undergone some major renovations.

Happy New Year.

Take me to the limit. I dare you.

I want to be overwhelmed. I want to double major and work full time and barely eat three meals a day. I want to go to the limit, to feel like I'm doing everything I can. Push me.
Maybe she'll think something of me if I do. Or maybe I'll simply feel better knowing I'm doing everything I can. O God, please let 2010 change everything in my life. I can't stand life the way it is. How can I change everything? I feel nauseous when I think about getting out of bed in the morning and reliving the mistakes I've made for years, simply because I don't know how to change. Make me take a plunge. Let's do something here.

O please, let one year from today yield an unrecognizable difference in my life. I want to shatter so I can put together the pieces in a new way.

"I'm Moving On" by Rascal Flatts

In the Rascal Flatts song "I'm Moving On", they say, "I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong."
I couldn't have said it better myself. But I'm not moving on, not just yet. Not now. I think someone will have to die before I move on. And the clock ticks. And indeed, will forgiveness find me down the road?

Coming up to breathe. Don't let me go. If I can't change the past (and how much it hurts), then let's do something radical today. Whether it too will end in regret or satisfaction will not be known until after it's over. Just don't let me go.