Catching up

Ugh. A glimpse over the writings of the past gives me so many unpleasant memories with just a few sentences. But looking at my last post 5 months ago, I was right: I can't help but be scared of it all. It's everywhere. I can feel the weight of it in every breath. It's my burden, my sin, my angry struggles against this self-driven enemy...

It's the reason I feel like I can't breath sometimes, the reason I spent my younger years feeling so incredibly invisible. It's this world and all You have packed into it, both the fantastic and the beyond dreadful. It's You pushing me harder, Your 'love' that pushes me to the ground; the love that is never spoken of in any church, because"that simply couldn't be what Christianity is!" It's Your stillness, Your absolute painful silence that makes me want to do crazy things. It's our fight, our past...

It's me wondering and You knowing. It's the constant question, "Why...?"

It's those ice cold rainy days where I ask You, "Why can't this last forever?"

It's me saying, "Stop."

It's You saying, "Go."

It's when You almost seem to ask me where to go from here. No.

It's a fear of the unknown.

It's at night when I used to sit on that swing in the dark and and think, "What would I ever do if something like x would ever happen to me?" And then it happened.

It's an amazing mixture of chaos, doubt, anger, grief, bitterness, acceptance, and a "replay" button just for the fun of it.


It's me.