Fear

My existence, both in this life and the next, depends on the relationship we have here and now. And I'm quickly losing touch.

Appalled? Angered? Ashamed?
I can't even feel anymore. Do you understand?! I CAN'T EVEN FEEL ANYMORE!

NOW who's angered, appalled, ashamed? Don't think I don't taste anything, even if it only be the tip of the iceberg.

I want to resurface after all these years and scream and know You ACTUALLY hear me. Do you hear me? Yeah, I know You see it all. Aren't we all well aware of it -- even the atheists? Yes, I can imagine how You feel. No, I don't pretend to know how You feel.

This is a pain unlike anything I've ever known. No. It's fear.

I've never known anything like this, have nothing I can equate it to. I've never known fear like this. The fear that your soul is balancing on two possible eternal outcomes. Just balancing there, waiting for You to push me one way or the other. I'm scared, and I've done all of this to myself.
I'm going to die, and You tauntingly know the year, month, day, hour, minute, second, breath. It's like slowly drowning in a glass tank, pressed against the glass in search of You on the other side, while precious seconds are quickly ticking by. Well, I'm searching now! Where are You? Will You meet me now, or am I too much of a disgrace for You to accept.

There's that verse in James that I'm holding on to now. "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you." It implies that I'm the one who moves. Right? I'm the one who chooses to draw close. And I assume (if that's safe) that I'm the one who moves further away as well. So you are stationary, unmoving, standing there all along just waiting to see what direction I take.
All this time I've taken the wrong, wrong direction. But if I attempt to come to You now, will You still be right where I assume You've always been, waiting for me?

I'm coming right now seeking forgiveness, renewal, and (yet once again) a very clean start. A completely new start. If I pick up Your Word, will You despise me for it? Is my heart not sincere enough? I miss the days we used to talk about the future together. O Lord, what have I done?
I want You now. That is sincere. I need You now -- that is truth.
I need You. Please meet me here.