Happy new Year

I haven't logged on here after typing my last post. I've been in denial that I wrote it, I'm ashamed that I wrote it. It's destructive, but ironically a part of my healing and being. This is me. This is my reality.

Like most people, I'm claiming that 2010 will be better. I'm going to get better, I'm going to feel better, and in twelve months from now I will hopefully have undergone some major renovations.

Happy New Year.

Take me to the limit. I dare you.

I want to be overwhelmed. I want to double major and work full time and barely eat three meals a day. I want to go to the limit, to feel like I'm doing everything I can. Push me.
Maybe she'll think something of me if I do. Or maybe I'll simply feel better knowing I'm doing everything I can. O God, please let 2010 change everything in my life. I can't stand life the way it is. How can I change everything? I feel nauseous when I think about getting out of bed in the morning and reliving the mistakes I've made for years, simply because I don't know how to change. Make me take a plunge. Let's do something here.

O please, let one year from today yield an unrecognizable difference in my life. I want to shatter so I can put together the pieces in a new way.

"I'm Moving On" by Rascal Flatts

In the Rascal Flatts song "I'm Moving On", they say, "I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong."
I couldn't have said it better myself. But I'm not moving on, not just yet. Not now. I think someone will have to die before I move on. And the clock ticks. And indeed, will forgiveness find me down the road?

Coming up to breathe. Don't let me go. If I can't change the past (and how much it hurts), then let's do something radical today. Whether it too will end in regret or satisfaction will not be known until after it's over. Just don't let me go.

One Year

I don't know. Between You and me, I think life's a gamble in a way. You know it all, yet we must guess, making choices in hopes that Your will follows. Rich Mullins was right -- truly You play hard to get. You play hard to get while I sit here trying to find the crumbs of my daily bread, trying to live off of crumbs while you exist in the back room. Always hard to get.

The back room? Or right here in front of me?

My life, my choices? Your possession, Your control? Where am I going? You know I'm going to roll the dice regardless. I'm getting ready to roll the dice -- 2010 is going to be the year. Let's place a bet.

A bet with the Keeper of my soul...long ago I would never have expected us to talk so closely.
Here's my stake: one year from now and my life will be better than it is today.

I feel confident of Your response (though who can understand You?): You can flip the world upside down in a year from now. She could have destroyed me in a year from now (but only if I am weak enough). I could have attended plenty of funerals in a year from now -- including my own. My choices, the choices I am making now, I feel are a gamble, a hope that they align with what You want. You already know that.

One year. Things will be different.