Trying not to think about the past. Trying not to worry about the present. Knowing that in the future, it will all work out somehow.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Please make it all go away. And give me the boldness to accept whatever manner You choose.
I am reaching the climax of entrapment; I feel like I cannot be any more stuck than I am now. And even if I was able to improve my current life...O Lord, it would take so long to get anywhere. But I must start somewhere.
People. You have given me so few, and yet they unknowingly control so much of me. I want to shatter some relationships just so I can have a new start. And indeed I do see one relationship on the brink of extinction; we won't be able to hold on for much longer. I think, Could this be our last Christmas together? Our last official year together? Where will I be in a year from now, and will I have been able to pick up any of these shattered pieces withing damaging myself more?
O Lord, have mercy on them when I say I seek change. Change me, not them. Just help me to get away from them without causing anymore hurt. Can't they see that it's best if we detach? And where will I go afterward? There's a great plan somewhere in my future, I really can't doubt that. I just don't have Your vision, so can You blame me for the questions?
I wrote that letter to You a long time ago. Even back then, I wanted to scream and make it all go away. Some things in our relationship haven't changed much, have they? I'm so sorry if, today, I'm not the person You wanted me to be. Trust me, I'm not the person I aspired to become either. Please give me the boldness to change. In a year from now, I want to be a completely different person -- someone You would admire more. Someone I could live with more peacefully. Someone who wanted to take risks. And did.
Some people might not understand, but I see these portraits as a sort of legacy that maybe (Lord willing) my kids can look at someday. There's someone in my family who probably hasn't had a half dozen pictures of them taken in the last two decades. She despises such portraits. At first I felt similarly -- please leave me out of the picture. But then I thought it was rather sad that I can never look back over the years with a photograph to remember them. And if I ever have kids, I want them to be able to see me as I was at their age, to see that I went through similar strengths and struggles as they will likely go through. And yes, I hope they all become photographers.
I am reaching the climax of entrapment; I feel like I cannot be any more stuck than I am now. And even if I was able to improve my current life...O Lord, it would take so long to get anywhere. But I must start somewhere.
People. You have given me so few, and yet they unknowingly control so much of me. I want to shatter some relationships just so I can have a new start. And indeed I do see one relationship on the brink of extinction; we won't be able to hold on for much longer. I think, Could this be our last Christmas together? Our last official year together? Where will I be in a year from now, and will I have been able to pick up any of these shattered pieces withing damaging myself more?
O Lord, have mercy on them when I say I seek change. Change me, not them. Just help me to get away from them without causing anymore hurt. Can't they see that it's best if we detach? And where will I go afterward? There's a great plan somewhere in my future, I really can't doubt that. I just don't have Your vision, so can You blame me for the questions?
I wrote that letter to You a long time ago. Even back then, I wanted to scream and make it all go away. Some things in our relationship haven't changed much, have they? I'm so sorry if, today, I'm not the person You wanted me to be. Trust me, I'm not the person I aspired to become either. Please give me the boldness to change. In a year from now, I want to be a completely different person -- someone You would admire more. Someone I could live with more peacefully. Someone who wanted to take risks. And did.
Some people might not understand, but I see these portraits as a sort of legacy that maybe (Lord willing) my kids can look at someday. There's someone in my family who probably hasn't had a half dozen pictures of them taken in the last two decades. She despises such portraits. At first I felt similarly -- please leave me out of the picture. But then I thought it was rather sad that I can never look back over the years with a photograph to remember them. And if I ever have kids, I want them to be able to see me as I was at their age, to see that I went through similar strengths and struggles as they will likely go through. And yes, I hope they all become photographers.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Therapy Time
This life needs so many improvements, I wish I could start today. But when can I start?! Lord, You know there are so many things -- big and small -- that I wish I could change. I wish I felt better (and wish I had insurance so I could get better!). I wish I could find a job today. Wish I could help my family more. And oh, I wish she could see me as more than she already does. My emotional battle with her is ridiculous. And she doesn't even know it.
The bitterness I have fostered -- I have been so angry at everything she was, at the decisions she made. I want to just open up and be sincere and tell her what I think of her life and how she acts around others. I want to tell these "others" just who she really is: If you knew who she really is, you probably wouldn't even want to know her! But then again, if you knew me you certainly wouldn't want to know me, either.
Only myself and God truly know just how wretched I am. I think about heaven, I think about hell, I think maybe it will all be left up to a coin toss in the end. I don't know what I'd do if I were Him.
I am so thankful for the talents He has given me; though they may be few, they are ever mighty in my life. Please heal me -- both physically and spiritually. Especially the latter. God, it will only come through a change of heart. It's like there's a spark in me that's trying to shine, but the fog and murk are just so thick. I know You're going to shake my world so severely, and so soon. Too soon. I can seriously see the dark clouds on the horizon. This is all going to be a part of my testimony someday. And You can see it too.
The bitterness I have fostered -- I have been so angry at everything she was, at the decisions she made. I want to just open up and be sincere and tell her what I think of her life and how she acts around others. I want to tell these "others" just who she really is: If you knew who she really is, you probably wouldn't even want to know her! But then again, if you knew me you certainly wouldn't want to know me, either.
Only myself and God truly know just how wretched I am. I think about heaven, I think about hell, I think maybe it will all be left up to a coin toss in the end. I don't know what I'd do if I were Him.
I am so thankful for the talents He has given me; though they may be few, they are ever mighty in my life. Please heal me -- both physically and spiritually. Especially the latter. God, it will only come through a change of heart. It's like there's a spark in me that's trying to shine, but the fog and murk are just so thick. I know You're going to shake my world so severely, and so soon. Too soon. I can seriously see the dark clouds on the horizon. This is all going to be a part of my testimony someday. And You can see it too.
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