I recently started studying economics at the University, and some things in that class have made me stop and wonder. First of all, I must stress that the professor is a brilliant man who clearly loves what he does and does it well. He has such a passion and energy for teaching others, and the students really enjoy listening to him. The class has about 200 students, so many minds gather twice a week to hear what he has to say. It's an enjoyable class.
However, I do not agree with everything he has to say. His beliefs are solid, his convictions are true, but I am not so persuaded. For example, he claims that there is never, ever a need for anything -- only a want, a desire to have it. In fact, we are not allowed to use the word "need" in class; if we do, pretty much everyone in the building yells something about the impending punishment the student will receive. Then it gets quiet, and the professor tells everyone sitting next to the student to clear the way (all students begin to duck) and he throws his marker at the student who said that terrible word. Don't say it again. Lesson learned, and class resumes.
In a way, I see his point. Throughout my life, I lived by the phrase, "Know your wants from your needs." However, I thought, "Don't I need the grace of God just as much as I want it? Don't I need the love of God in my life just as much as I want it?"Furthermore, the professor claims that there is a substitute for everything. Everything. No exceptions. According to this theory, you can shun your "need" for love if you have to live in seclusion, you can choose death instead of food, and you can substitute shelter for homelessness (just to name a few examples). "But," I say, "what substitute would you use for the grace of God? What could ever replace His love and mercy?" I suppose some might answer that hell is a substitute for the heaven we would seek under the grace of God. But I say that there is no other substitute that can wash away my scarlet sins but the blood of Jesus.
Just some thoughts.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Debating and Healing
I know He's telling me, Keep breathing.
I have so many questions about the future, so many fears and worries about the present, a lot of hurt from the past...in other words, what I feel is pretty average to mankind. And I feel so overwhelmed; it's like I want to ask God for answers, and at the same time I'm so afraid to know them. I'm so afraid that I will be the last person standing when it comes to my family, so afraid that I will be all that is left and that I will have no one to look forward to when this world is said and done. O Lord, please have mercy! You have no idea how I would plead with You for mercy for the people in my life...
This is hard for me to say, and please understand that I write this as a sort of therapy for myself.
Don't take my writing as a form of self-pity, but as a form of debating and healing. But when all is said and done, I will blame myself for their deaths. I know it. I feel the grief already. O Lord, I don't want to look back and think, "If only." O Lord, don't let me have any regrets when it comes to the people in my life. I want to think back and know that I gave it my all, that if anyone perished, then it must somehow have been Your will. But does not God desire that none should perish, but that all should be saved? Forgive me, Lord, if I do not understand Your ways.
Up to this point, I cannot say that I gave it my all. I cannot say that I have been a good witness of Your love and forgiveness. I am selfish, too often impatient, and ashamedly (and frequently) intimidated at the thought of preaching Your truths to the people I must face everyday. Please don't call me a failure at the finish line; I'm so scared You will...
One of the most powerful things the Lord ever revealed to me was about this very subject. Long story short: I was being counseled by a friend as I grieved and sobbed years ago about how so many people I loved were perishing. They spoke very quietly the entire time, they earnestly listened to everything I was saying, and as I sat in that chair with tears everywhere, that person leaned forward and said, "Kayla. You can't save them."
It was one of the biggest eye-openers of my life. It floored me. You can't save them.
It's not that I didn't know that Jesus Christ is the only way to eternal salvation, or that I was powerless to save beloved souls. It's that, somewhere under the lamenting and the grief, I had forgotten. I felt that my God-given mission in this world was to reach out to these people and tell them of their need for repentance and reconciliation, and if they refused to see that need, then I had failed. And I cannot lie here -- I still feel that way. Yes, healing took place, and I felt liberated at the truth that salvation must be determined by God and not myself. But today, when I see what a witness I am to those around me, I still grieve. I'm reminded of my own worst enemy.
He tells me, Keep breathing. If a long journey must begin with a single step, then Lord please help me to move. Help me to change. "We have no power against this great multitude that is coming against us, nor do we know what to do, but our eyes [are] upon You." (2 Chronicles 20:12 NKJV). Give me strength, please, for the future, and hold on to the ones I love.
I have so many questions about the future, so many fears and worries about the present, a lot of hurt from the past...in other words, what I feel is pretty average to mankind. And I feel so overwhelmed; it's like I want to ask God for answers, and at the same time I'm so afraid to know them. I'm so afraid that I will be the last person standing when it comes to my family, so afraid that I will be all that is left and that I will have no one to look forward to when this world is said and done. O Lord, please have mercy! You have no idea how I would plead with You for mercy for the people in my life...
This is hard for me to say, and please understand that I write this as a sort of therapy for myself.
Don't take my writing as a form of self-pity, but as a form of debating and healing. But when all is said and done, I will blame myself for their deaths. I know it. I feel the grief already. O Lord, I don't want to look back and think, "If only." O Lord, don't let me have any regrets when it comes to the people in my life. I want to think back and know that I gave it my all, that if anyone perished, then it must somehow have been Your will. But does not God desire that none should perish, but that all should be saved? Forgive me, Lord, if I do not understand Your ways.
Up to this point, I cannot say that I gave it my all. I cannot say that I have been a good witness of Your love and forgiveness. I am selfish, too often impatient, and ashamedly (and frequently) intimidated at the thought of preaching Your truths to the people I must face everyday. Please don't call me a failure at the finish line; I'm so scared You will...
One of the most powerful things the Lord ever revealed to me was about this very subject. Long story short: I was being counseled by a friend as I grieved and sobbed years ago about how so many people I loved were perishing. They spoke very quietly the entire time, they earnestly listened to everything I was saying, and as I sat in that chair with tears everywhere, that person leaned forward and said, "Kayla. You can't save them."
It was one of the biggest eye-openers of my life. It floored me. You can't save them.
It's not that I didn't know that Jesus Christ is the only way to eternal salvation, or that I was powerless to save beloved souls. It's that, somewhere under the lamenting and the grief, I had forgotten. I felt that my God-given mission in this world was to reach out to these people and tell them of their need for repentance and reconciliation, and if they refused to see that need, then I had failed. And I cannot lie here -- I still feel that way. Yes, healing took place, and I felt liberated at the truth that salvation must be determined by God and not myself. But today, when I see what a witness I am to those around me, I still grieve. I'm reminded of my own worst enemy.
He tells me, Keep breathing. If a long journey must begin with a single step, then Lord please help me to move. Help me to change. "We have no power against this great multitude that is coming against us, nor do we know what to do, but our eyes [are] upon You." (2 Chronicles 20:12 NKJV). Give me strength, please, for the future, and hold on to the ones I love.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Traces of Him
A monsoon overtook our side of town this evening. As the streets began to flood with rain, I stood in their midst, barefooted, water rushing past me, my clothes soaking, myself praising God.
Hold On
I'm not sure anyone out there would understand. I'm not sure anyone has put themselves through this before. I'm not sure if anyone has fought with God like I have.
And I am the sole cause of our contentions. You have no idea how that makes me feel. Knowing that I was made to give Him glory and to live expressly for Him, yet at the same time being the reason for the furor in our relationship. Did You know that it would be this way, even before you created me? Did you know just how terribly I would struggle? Why, then, did you create this life at all? Truly, He must be a God of love.
I feel like, years ago, I knew where I was going and felt secure in our relationship. But time moved, and it has been years since I felt that way. I know that any distance between us exists only when I move, not He. I have lost plenty of sleep as I lie there with thoughts of Him racing through my head. I have inflicted many a miserable day upon myself, knowing that I am the reason for all this unrest. And it doesn't have to be this way...
I am my own worst enemy. I wonder, did Judas feel this way as the final days of his life were slipping through the hourglass? Did he realize that any unrest he had between God and himself was all due to his mistakes?
I pray for restoration, a sinner making promises to try to live sinlessly. It doesn't happen. I mess up. During temptation, I fall, rather than calling upon Him for strength. And my prayers for forgiveness and restoration begin to sound all too familiar...so much so, that I begin to wonder if...
I begin to see now. Please understand that I know there is more to life than our struggles. I know there are amazing things to come. Some things will be beyond words, beyond description. Every conceivable emotion will snowball as our lives carry on, so that when we reach the end, nearly everyone will be able to say that they have truly tasted life.
God, You are so amazing, so perfect...please don't be far from this life despite its imperfections. I have accepted that I will struggle til the end, and as long as Your grace is sufficient and Your mercies new every morning, I'll be willing to go onward. Every day here, all I can think of is the finish line, and it makes me wonder. Please, just let me know that everything will be alright there, and I will have resolve enough for each day of life, no matter what it brings.
Love (please...)
~Kayla
P.S. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone anymore
And I am the sole cause of our contentions. You have no idea how that makes me feel. Knowing that I was made to give Him glory and to live expressly for Him, yet at the same time being the reason for the furor in our relationship. Did You know that it would be this way, even before you created me? Did you know just how terribly I would struggle? Why, then, did you create this life at all? Truly, He must be a God of love.
I feel like, years ago, I knew where I was going and felt secure in our relationship. But time moved, and it has been years since I felt that way. I know that any distance between us exists only when I move, not He. I have lost plenty of sleep as I lie there with thoughts of Him racing through my head. I have inflicted many a miserable day upon myself, knowing that I am the reason for all this unrest. And it doesn't have to be this way...
I am my own worst enemy. I wonder, did Judas feel this way as the final days of his life were slipping through the hourglass? Did he realize that any unrest he had between God and himself was all due to his mistakes?
I pray for restoration, a sinner making promises to try to live sinlessly. It doesn't happen. I mess up. During temptation, I fall, rather than calling upon Him for strength. And my prayers for forgiveness and restoration begin to sound all too familiar...so much so, that I begin to wonder if...
I begin to see now. Please understand that I know there is more to life than our struggles. I know there are amazing things to come. Some things will be beyond words, beyond description. Every conceivable emotion will snowball as our lives carry on, so that when we reach the end, nearly everyone will be able to say that they have truly tasted life.
God, You are so amazing, so perfect...please don't be far from this life despite its imperfections. I have accepted that I will struggle til the end, and as long as Your grace is sufficient and Your mercies new every morning, I'll be willing to go onward. Every day here, all I can think of is the finish line, and it makes me wonder. Please, just let me know that everything will be alright there, and I will have resolve enough for each day of life, no matter what it brings.
Love (please...)
~Kayla
P.S. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone anymore
Sunday, August 9, 2009
This Incredible Life
Last night, I thought about what the future may hold. All the joys and struggles and hurt and triumphs that await me there. It is sincerely too overwhelming for me to understand.
Sitting in church last night, listening to the music, I could not slow my contemplations. I told God, "I can't believe this has happened to me -- LIFE. I can't believe this life has happened to me."
What will happen to my family? I predict so much turmoil and further struggles, all attaching themselves without my consent to this LIFE. Will I have a future family? The thought of being accountable for -- and striving to give my limited guidance to -- my future children is overwhelming. Will I ever be who God wants me to be? That thought alone can make me shudder. I was not created for myself, but for a greater Someone who I am to live for. When I fail Him, it hurts everywhere. It hurts everywhere.
When I think of the talents and blessings He has given me, I cannot help but have such joy for the amazing things that may happen in my LIFE. I will never take for granted my ability to hear music or the ability to see the sights around me. I am thankful for the mindset He has given me, though no one in my family seems to be able to relate to it or understand it. I am forever thankful for the sense of wonder He has given me, that I may look at small details in this LIFE and see the tiny traces of beauty He placed in them, while others walk by blindly.
It's the tip of the iceberg, and everyday is just another step onward throughout this journey He has ordained for me to carry on...another step forward into this incredible LIFE.
Sitting in church last night, listening to the music, I could not slow my contemplations. I told God, "I can't believe this has happened to me -- LIFE. I can't believe this life has happened to me."
What will happen to my family? I predict so much turmoil and further struggles, all attaching themselves without my consent to this LIFE. Will I have a future family? The thought of being accountable for -- and striving to give my limited guidance to -- my future children is overwhelming. Will I ever be who God wants me to be? That thought alone can make me shudder. I was not created for myself, but for a greater Someone who I am to live for. When I fail Him, it hurts everywhere. It hurts everywhere.
When I think of the talents and blessings He has given me, I cannot help but have such joy for the amazing things that may happen in my LIFE. I will never take for granted my ability to hear music or the ability to see the sights around me. I am thankful for the mindset He has given me, though no one in my family seems to be able to relate to it or understand it. I am forever thankful for the sense of wonder He has given me, that I may look at small details in this LIFE and see the tiny traces of beauty He placed in them, while others walk by blindly.
It's the tip of the iceberg, and everyday is just another step onward throughout this journey He has ordained for me to carry on...another step forward into this incredible LIFE.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
