At last I can see this

It's all good. I am at peace at this moment. It always works out in the end. Christianity is a ride that wears me down to the bone, but I wouldn't trade in the experiences I've had in this life for anything. It's all good. The years are passing by, and it's okay. Everyone is different, and it's okay. And yes, You'll be waiting for me. You really do say it's time to move on, even when nothing physically changes in our lives. I've learned that it's not supposed to -- it's all good, and it all works out, even our minor struggles.

I have been privileged never to have had physical troubles. You've given me a solid home and a family that cares. This is a blessed life. If ever I encounter a struggle, it's with my spiritual self, and that is exclusively what I have been chronicling in this online journal -- my spiritual battles, and nothing else. If/when I reference a person, it's a reference to the spiritual state in which I see them. It's because the majority of people I know are perishing, and I am too often angry at their lack of awareness to speak honorably. This is my fault. This is my sin. This blog has exclusively been a journal that chronicles my faults, NOT ANYONE ELSE'S. If I have spoken of the faults of others here, then this is my apology for being wrong. The only aim of this blog is to keep a journal of myself, and I publish it publicly to force myself to be accountable on the odd chance that someone finds and reads it. In fact, I know I have referenced people here who were acquaintances in my life, and it's my wrong, my sin, and my anger that decided to do so. I don't think the acquaintances I've mentioned here meant me any harm, but I have made bitter references to them when I felt they hurt me or let me down. This is all vanity, all selfishness. And I truly seek Your forgiveness (and the forgiveness of readers) for everything that was done in bitterness.

For once, there is peace. The two of us can move on. There's so much around us, and it's all good. Whether I still have a legacy is something I cannot think about. The real friends I have in my life are some of the most awesome people I've ever encountered, and I'm so thankful they don't leave me despite myself. I deserve nothing, and am physically blessed beyond measure.

This keeps running through my head. It's just one of those things You use in life :-) It worked out beautifully, didn't it?

Fear

My existence, both in this life and the next, depends on the relationship we have here and now. And I'm quickly losing touch.

Appalled? Angered? Ashamed?
I can't even feel anymore. Do you understand?! I CAN'T EVEN FEEL ANYMORE!

NOW who's angered, appalled, ashamed? Don't think I don't taste anything, even if it only be the tip of the iceberg.

I want to resurface after all these years and scream and know You ACTUALLY hear me. Do you hear me? Yeah, I know You see it all. Aren't we all well aware of it -- even the atheists? Yes, I can imagine how You feel. No, I don't pretend to know how You feel.

This is a pain unlike anything I've ever known. No. It's fear.

I've never known anything like this, have nothing I can equate it to. I've never known fear like this. The fear that your soul is balancing on two possible eternal outcomes. Just balancing there, waiting for You to push me one way or the other. I'm scared, and I've done all of this to myself.
I'm going to die, and You tauntingly know the year, month, day, hour, minute, second, breath. It's like slowly drowning in a glass tank, pressed against the glass in search of You on the other side, while precious seconds are quickly ticking by. Well, I'm searching now! Where are You? Will You meet me now, or am I too much of a disgrace for You to accept.

There's that verse in James that I'm holding on to now. "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you." It implies that I'm the one who moves. Right? I'm the one who chooses to draw close. And I assume (if that's safe) that I'm the one who moves further away as well. So you are stationary, unmoving, standing there all along just waiting to see what direction I take.
All this time I've taken the wrong, wrong direction. But if I attempt to come to You now, will You still be right where I assume You've always been, waiting for me?

I'm coming right now seeking forgiveness, renewal, and (yet once again) a very clean start. A completely new start. If I pick up Your Word, will You despise me for it? Is my heart not sincere enough? I miss the days we used to talk about the future together. O Lord, what have I done?
I want You now. That is sincere. I need You now -- that is truth.
I need You. Please meet me here.